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Thread: #7760
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daviemoo

Posted: Last Month
Help me Altvibe.
Hey all. I know it's super quiet on here these days, which is partly why im posting this here. Maybe no one will see it and i can just vent my spleen to the internet.

So my life is quite amazing right now.
For the first time in my life, i'm doing a job i love and am oddly quite talented at (it's boring office shit, dont get too excited), i have a great flat, good friends that I actually know in real life.

There's one problem. Massive relationship hangover.

Whilst im glad im happy on my own, there's a small problem. I've been dealing with the fallout from what was one motherload of a bad relationship. As i just posted in another thread, my ex was abusive. No he never hit me, but he was unbelievably emotionally manipulative. I dont think he's even aware of it, but hell he's a smart guy so, maybe he is. i Dont know. i wasnt blameless either. my rage meter fills pretty quick compared to most.
but he was also a big fan of waiting til i was asleep then fucking me, with or without my permission. this went on for a long, long time and because i had literally minus points in self esteem i sort of figured it was normal, that it was fine and that hey, at least we were having sex albeit unsafe sex at 3am when i was half awake and in agony.
I've been checked out and physically i'm fine.

It's the emotional shit that's really still weighing me down.

I've tried quite hard to move on, and the truth is i'm perfectly happy alone. the issue is i've also been casually seeing someone for a couple of months now, who is a really awesome guy if a bit young and inexperienced relationshipwise.
the issue comes from the fact that I cannot shake this feeling that getting close to another person is a horrible trap, a mistake and just another invitation to get sleepraped or cheated on or what have you.

I suppose i'm posting this partially to get it actually out there into the world, to get it out of my head so i can deal with it, but i also genuinely want to know if anyone else has ever felt like relationships are a massive trap, or a risk you don't want to take for one reason or another.

I don't want to keep feeling like I do at the moment forever and it has been almost a year now; when will i start to get the fuck over it all and actually give in and let myself trust another guy again? or shall i just give in and get a lot of cats...
Help me altvibe -.-

TL;DR I hate feeling like an emotionally stunted sack of shit and want advice.
random5730

Posted: Last Month
Re: Help me Altvibe.
Venting helps. actually formulating the thoughts in your head helps to make sense of them and allows an output to the emotion crap we carry.

with that in mind i kinda need to vent over an ex myself. the story regarding him is somewhat of a long one for here and now. but given the fact i'm still trying to deal with the feeling i have for him, i wish right now i can say i'm better off without him, but i'm not at that point yet. i just want him out of my system. so yeah... also any advice / distractions / anything to get him out of my head...
random5730

Posted: Last Month
Re: Help me Altvibe.
Also hugs...
daviemoo

Posted: Last Month
Re: Help me Altvibe.
You'll get into the right headspace. It just takes time and perspective. And thank you- hugs appreciated
daviemoo

Posted: Last Month
Re: Help me Altvibe.
Yeah this is true. I like the guy I've met and I've been trying to take it slow but I just can't get out of this mindset that it's going to go tits up. The closer he tries to get the further away I go.

Like I said I'm kind of just really happy being on my own and maybe it's bad timing and stuff. But it doesn't change how I feel.
Spoilers

Posted: Last Month
Re: Help me Altvibe.
I'm so very sorry to hear that you're had this kind of experience. It's understandable that you're fearful of history repeating itself, but I don't want that fear preventing you from gaining something sincere that will enhance your life, even if you're currently happy with how it is. To have someone's genuine love and affection is amazing, and I don't want you to be like me, and push it away by blurring the past and present men.
It's difficult to give relevant advice or encouragement, as I've also experienced emotional and psychological abuse from a long term partner. Even now I'm surprised I had the guts to get out of it, and I'm not even at the stage of contentment you are at, so also wish to say well done for building and maintaining that :)

Only real thing that comes to my mind is to ask how much of your past relationship, and the effect it has had on your mentality towards relationships in general, have you discussed and shared with this guy? And if you have not at all, would you consider it? Sharing deeply personal concerns like this can help form a strong bond, and make him realise what kind of thing you really want if things were to go to the next step.
I hope my ramble is beneficial in some way, aha
daviemoo

Posted: Last Month
Re: Help me Altvibe.
I've spoken to Rob about it quite a bit actually, he's super understanding but I just feel like I can't offer him what he wants. He's a fantastic guy and I care about him a lot but equally the closer he gets the more i find myself going 'is this what i want and need?'

i just feel like I can't give him what he needs and wants and most importantly, deserves. there's so much crap i'm trying to fight through including some very, very unresolved feelings about a loved one. i am basically just a huge mess
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